Wednesday, August 22, 2001

i don't think hell is made up of hatred. i think that maybe hate is just for humans. hell, i think, might just be fear and stuff like that. because fear is what leads to hatred, so wouldn't fear be a much more powerful thing? i mean, there would be no hate if there was no fear to begin with, right?

i was thinking about the creed we say in church; more specifically, the line that talks about 'the glamor of evil'. i have concluded that the glamor of evil is a complete illusion, or a misunderstanding. when you feel a taste of hell, it makes you see the goodness in a new way. it makes you appreciate Theo more. when you feel like you're sinking into hell a little bit, it makes you yearn for Theo. so the glamor of evil, is really the glamor of Theo... but you don't see it unless you are seeing it through evil.

Tuesday, August 21, 2001

well. as you can see from the previous post, i was going to go to bed, but i couldn't -- i had to get this all down first because i'm afraid i will forget something if i wait till later, and also because i want to get these things out of my system so i can sleep tonight.

oh, and you should know that "Theo" is my special name for God. i am pretty sure that Theo is neither male or female, so i don't use any pronouns for Theo. sorry if that gets annoying.

so. i was thinking about hell today in class. i have been taught the Catholic religion my whole life and i thought, *if Theo really loves us so much and is always there for us no matter what, like the priests say, why would he ever send someone to hell? why, then, would Catholics believe in hell? don't the two contradict each other?* and so i asked the teacher this question and she said that in the Catholic faith, Theo does not send people to hell; Theo always wants them to stay with Theo -- poeple choose to go there. well that ensured me that it was fine for Catholics to believe in hell because it doesn't contradict after all. but then i thought, who would ever choose to go to hell? my friend's mom said that they choose by their actions in life -- if they defy Theo and do bad things on purpose, that is how they choose hell. but i thought, won't Theo have mercy on you when you die? won't Theo ask you to stay with Theo? doesn't Theo want all Theo's beloved children to be with Theo? and so i decided that the only way to choose hell, is to be completely, utterly, and totally STUPID!! why would anyone choose hell when asked by Theo where they want to go? and i really don't think that any human is strong enough -- no matter how stubborn they are -- to choose to turn their back on Theo for eternity and go to hell. so i think that hell is empty. yes, empty. hell is not a place that people go to. although they could, they never would. and if they did... well, more on that later. So, then i thought, if hell isn't a place you go to, what is it? and i decided that when you wake up screaming from a nightmare and lay in bed scared for a long time, and when you feel the pain of being emotionally hurt, that is like catching a glimpse of hell. hell is just this constant threat that reminds us to stay on track, because when we see how awful it is and we see that, frighteningly, we have the ability to sink to that place if we are not careful in our choices, we really see that we should stick with Theo. i think hell might even be Theo's other face, helping us along, because in the end we don't choose it, and we benifit from it -- it teaches us every day, and when we feel like we might sink into it Theo is there to catch us and pull us out, if we let Theo. hell has to exist, because the world just plain would not be complete without something to contradict Theo, an opposite. it is as necessary as the good, because the good can't survive without the evil and vice-versa. because what makes good *good*, when there is no alternative? good and evil need each other and in that way they become one -- one world. it's a bit like a yin-yang, i think. the balance is necessary.

and about what i was considering earlier, if hell really is Theo's other face, then what happens when you sink into it? do you sink all the way through and pop out on the other side, in heaven? or are you just swallowed up and you never return? is anything *really* ever for sure? is it ever too late to switch sides? is that what eternity is? that everything just keeps changing and never stops? or when the world is finally complete and satisfied, is that when the universe is allowed to stop this exhausting task of *being* and just spin off into oblivion, and cease to exist? because really, what is the point of there being anything in the world? why should there be a world at all? and is Theo *above* the world, or *is* Theo the world? if Theo is above the world, then is the purpose of our existance just some little thing to keep Theo busy because Theo was bored and had a sense of humor? i think the Bible says that before there was a world, there was still Theo. what is that all about?

ok... my head is spinning and i am running on major lack of sleep. more tomorrow....
to start off with i think i should introduce myself. i am a high school freshman, 14 years old, female, and a little different from most people. yes, i am a self-professed freak and proud of it. i like being different because as long as people think of you as weird to begin with, you can do any old crazy thing you want -- like make a whole blog devoted solely to your deep thoughts on God -- and they don't act all surprised. it's just more peaceful. for me anyway. but enough about me, this blog is about my exploration of theology, so i will start there now.

i have been interested in theology, i think, for a long time, but the word "theology" was yucky so i just considered myself a *deep thinker* which in my opinion is much more appealing. this year, at my Catholic high school, i am taking a class called 'Theology' which is about -- big surprise here -- theology!! today was my first day of this class and i came home with so many questions and so many thoughts and ideas, and i knew that there would be so much more to come and i just wanted a place to record them all. so here i am. i have a lot to write about, and i will post it tomorrow; right now it is late and i should be in bed, but i wanted to get this up and running first. so... good night everybody, sweet dreams!!